Sid's Recovery

When conviction comes that I have wronged someone, the temptation is to argue with that conviction. Maybe (I think to myself) what I did/said was justified by the circumstances. Maybe that other person deserved what I did/said to them. Maybe that person also wronged me, and my lack of forgiveness toward that person is blinding me to the fact that I too was wrong and need to make amends.

The real question is, am I willing to do what Jesus said? "Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift." (Matthew 5:23-24 ). Zacchaeus must have recognized the importance of this step when he said, "... Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor; and if I have taken any thing from any man by false accusation, I restore him fourfold" (Luke 19:8 ).

Do I trust God enough to let Him "both to will and to do of his good pleasure" in my life? (Philippians 2:13 ). Will the pain of obedience result in something good for me? Will making amends make me a better person? Am I so committed to recovery that I will do whatever it takes to become a person of integrity -- a person that others can trust?

When I first practiced this step, I was scared, very scared, because I had to face up to some really bad things that I had done. I spent many tear-filled hours agonizing with God to help me to come to the place of being willing to make amends. I had no idea how these people would react to my acknowledgment of wrong doing, and to my apologies. I was about to put myself into a place of vulnerability, and it was very uncomfortable. But I knew, that in order to continue in my recovery process, I must become willing to do what ever it takes to cooperate with God as He worked to repair my broken life. Would these people whom I have wronged accept my amends, or would they reject me and crush me even further. Would it even be appropriate to contact all of these people? For now, I just needed to decide whether I am willing - no matter what the consequences would be. Do I really believe that God will only lead me in ways that I would choose to be led, if I could see the end from the beginning, as He can?

I praise God that I did decide to make amends, no matter what the cost. Even now, looking back at that decision, I have no regrets. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Only one question remains: If God is convicting you to make amends, do you trust Him enough to see you through this challenging time, and to do what He is asking of you? Will you surrender your will to His, trusting that it is for your ultimate good?

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all." (Step 8)

1 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn't love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn't love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn't love others, I would have gained nothing.

13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:1-13 ) NLT

No matter how much I strive for excellence in my life and occupation, if I have not love for those around me, all my other efforts are in vain. Even if I give large amounts of money, and even time, to help those in need, without love, it's worthless. And even if I do many good deeds, but am unwilling to forgive and make amends, to those whom I have wronged, my good deeds are of no lasting value.

Sometimes, those whom I have wronged first wronged me. And, they may even still be doing similar wrongs to me and to others. So, will I choose to separate the sin from the sinner? I realize that I am no more deserving of forgiveness than they are. I wonder, if a person is worthy of forgiveness, do they actually need forgiveness? I'm not sure...

I'm coming to believe that forgiving doesn't mean excusing or forgetting the wrong. And it doesn't mean a removal of consequences. But it does mean a change of attitude on my part. It means that I begin to wish the offender well. It means that I pray that my offender may find healing through recovery, so that they may find the peace and joy that I am finding in the Lord. It means that I want to see my offender as an erring child of God, such as I. It means... that I am becoming willing to make amends.

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all." (Step 8)

Early in my recovery process, God laid on my heart many situations for which I needed to make amends. Even though it was a very painful process to go through, I felt much better about myself for making the list and following through with the amends. Since that time I have continued to take personal inventory, and when I was wrong, promptly (well, usually I've been prompt :-) admitted it -- once I recognized my mistake.

But when it's me that has been wronged, am I able to see whether or not I have anything to make amends for in that situation? I think that sometimes I may be unable to see my own mistakes through the pain that I suffer as a result of other people's words and/or actions. This may be where forgiveness comes into play. I doubt whether I can truly make amends in the case where I have not forgiven that person for what they have done to wound me.

"Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye." (Colossians 3:13 )

I'm coming to believe that forgiving doesn't mean excusing or forgetting the wrong. And it doesn't mean a removal of consequences. But it does mean a change of attitude on my part. It means that I begin to wish the offender well. It means that I pray that my offender may find healing through recovery, so that they may find the peace and joy that I am finding in the Lord. It means that I want to see my offender as an erring child of God, such as I. It means... that I am becoming willing to make amends.

"For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:" (Matthew 6:14 )

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all." (Step 8)

I mark the beginning of my recovery process at a camp meeting in June of 1994. It was there that I began to understand and practice the third step in conjunction with the first two. The very day after my first real victory, as a result of third-step surrender, an incredible burden of my past mistakes came flooding in on me (Step 4). A few days later (after confessing to God), I confessed my faults to another person (a very difficult Step 5). It wasn't long after that (a week, maybe) when I began to think of all the persons I had wronged, but never made amends to (Step 8).

What continues to be amazing to me is the fact that, at that time, I had absolutely no knowledge of what the steps of the 12-Step program were. And frankly, I had a negative opinion of the program because it didn't seem to help a person, whom I knew very well, who used to attend. But, in spite of that, God was leading and convicting me in those very same steps in my own life.

As I made this list of all the persons I had harmed, it was difficult to become willing to actually make amends. In my mind (intellectually), I knew that it was the right thing to do (Matthew 5:23,24 ), but emotionally it was very scary. I didn't want to become vulnerable. All my life prior to this I always shunned any situation that would require my vulnerability. But now this unhealthy reserve was beginning to break down, largely because of my fifth-step sharing that I had already done. Even though this was all very hard, it helped me to become more honest, vulnerable, and more accountable for my past mistakes. All these things helped to reduce my feelings of shame and have been an integral part of my recovery process. For this I am very grateful and praise God :-)

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all." (Step 8)

Immediately following "The Lord's Prayer", Jesus said, "For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matthew 6:14-15 ).
It is hard for many of us to become willing to make amends to at least some of the people we have harmed because of our lack of forgiveness -- due to what they have done to us. We may still think they deserved what we did to them. And really, they probably did, because "the wages of sin is death" (Romans 6:23 ), right?

But wait a minute... I have a friend who I've often heard saying, "It's a 2-way street". It's easy to forget that "all have sinned" (Romans 3:23 ) & (Romans 5:12 ) and that means me to! And since the natural result of sin is death (Romans 6:23 ), I deserve to die just as much as that person whom I don't want to forgive. Now that's a sobering thought. From that perspective, I really can't put myself above that person anymore, because I'm just as much a sinner as he/she is!

I must remember that vengeance is the Lord's. He will repay, and I shouldn't (Romans 12:19 ). And even though "the wages of sin is death... the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord" (Romans 6:23 ). And that doesn't just apply to me. It also applies to everyone who has wronged me. So why shouldn't I forgive them, just as God forgives me?

Forgiveness is a decision. It’s an action of the will. It’s handled just like any other temptation. Yes, just as we can be bound by sins that easily beset us, so we can also be bound by lack of forgiveness. But, forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting that wrong was done. I think it is more about allowing for other people's mistakes just as I would like others to allow for my mistakes. Hmm... that sounds a lot like the Golden Rule, from a different perspective. Maybe we should also have the Golden Rule of Forgiveness: "Forgive others, as you would have them forgive you".

"Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye." (Colossians 3:12-13 ). "And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any, that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses" (Mark 11:25 ).

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all." (Step 8)