Sid's Recovery

In considering the making of amends, I think it prudent to also consider what core attitudes and beliefs led me to do what I now need to make amends for. In other words, I want to know what attitude and beliefs I should have in order to prevent myself from doing (or saying) stuff that I will be sorry for later.

One time, for family worship, we read a story about a couple teenagers -- Howie and Joe. Howie had a summer job, but Joe convinced Howie to take the bus with him (using Howie's money) to another town where he promised that a job would be waiting for them, with his uncle. Howie reluctantly agreed, only to find out that Joe's uncle had no work for them and didn't want them hanging around. Then Joe convinced Howie to pay his bus fare to go home (there wasn't enough money for 2 tickets), promising to mail money back to Howie when he got home. Of course, the money never came. Worse yet, Howie couldn't find work, and nearly starved before money arrived from his dad.

My first thought was that Howie was very gullible and shouldn't have let Joe take advantage of him like that. But the rest of the story was that God miraculously provided for Howie's basic needs throughout this ordeal. So, why did God do that, considering Howie's foolishness, in letting Joe take advantage of him? I suppose there could several answers to that question. After all, God is all-loving and not willing that any should perish (2 Peter 3:9).

In considering what we (or Howie) should do when people mistreat us, who better to ask than Jesus? Here are some interesting comments of His (Luke 6:27-38):

• Love your enemies
• Do good to those who hate you
• Bless them that curse you
• Unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other
• If someone takes your coat, give him your shirt too
• Give to everyone that asks, expecting nothing in return
• Treat others as you would have them treat you
• Judge not; condemn not; forgive; give; be merciful
• Be kind to the unthankful and to the evil

This is so contrary to our culture. But, as a result of all this selflessness, Jesus makes some really great promises to us (Luke 6:35-38):

• Your reward will be great
• You will be children of the Most High
• When you give, it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom.
• with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.

I'm pretty sure that, if I were to follow this advice, I would never have need to make amends again. But if I fail to do that, this same counsel that Jesus gave us, will lead me to make amends as needed.

But, you may say, "it's just not in me to be so utterly selfless. How can I possibly become as Jesus directs?" I would say, "We don't get there all at once." "Sanctification is the progressive work of a lifetime" (Ellen White -- Selected Messages, Vol 3, 202.3). And these 12 Steps are a working framework for that process, and so is the little book "Steps to Christ".

"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." (Step 9)

My carnal nature drives me to be a troublemaker. I have strong opinions. I want others to agree with me, but this attitude is rebuked by Jesus, when He said, "Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift." (Matthew 5:9,23,24)

When I make appropriate amends, it brings peace between me and God as well as the satisfaction of knowing that I've finally done the right thing. It is a tremendous relief from guilt, shame, and remorse. This peace sometimes includes a restoration of a favorable relationship between me and another person. But it never includes an erasing from my memory, or the memory of others, of past mistakes. Those serve (among other things) to remind us that without God, we can do nothing (John 15:4,5). And, in my opinion, that's good.

David said, "... I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me" (Ps. 51:3). Humility, in my opinion, was one of David's greatest traits of character. Even though he sinned greatly, he was willing to humble himself and to admit his mistakes. Humility is something that I was only starting to learn as I began to make amends in earnest. But, I've been grateful to discover that, as I choose to be lead of God, He works in me to do what I can not do without Him (Philippians 2:13).

Making amends is hard. I really don't like to do it. So, when I am tempted to arrogantly insist upon my own way, I choose instead to acknowledge and surrender those feelings and ask God to help me to be a peacemaker instead. When I do that, I find that God honors my decision, softens my heart, and assists me in changing my attitude.

When we make a mistake and amends are needed, There are at least four categories (identified in the book "Steps to Serenity") of people that we should consider: 1) People who are close to us (family, close friends, etc.) to whom we can go to immediately. 2) Those to whom, for many possible reasons, only partial disclosure should be made. 3) For some, we may need to wait awhile before attempting amends. Maybe I need to give them and/or myself some time to "cool off". 4) Those whom we should never contact. This could be the case for certain types of relationships that should not be restored.

I remember a letter that I wrote to an individual that I just couldn't bring myself to deliver. So, I asked a pastor friend to help me. Looking back I see this as one of the smartest things I've ever done. I felt a great need to make amends. But, what I didn't understand, was that amends should NOT be made when to do so would injure others. I am grateful to this trusted friend for pointing out to me that this particular amends would not be beneficial to anyone, but would instead be harmful to several. I do think that it was important for me to write the letter. I also think that it was good for me to share that letter confidentially with a trusted friend. But, to go any further than that would have been a mistake.

"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." (Step 9)

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged." (Colossians 3:18-21)

A wise writer once said that if a person can be a Christian at home, he/she can be a Christian anywhere, implying that there is no harder place to be a Christian than at home with our families. At home we tend to let down any façades we may carry with us when we are in public. In so doing, we are more likely to hurt those we love the most -- sad, but true.

Of course, God is always there for us, ready to deliver us from those temptations, before we hurt others. But sometimes we fail to surrender our will to God, and thus lose the victory we could have had. When that happens and we hurt a family member, the temptation is to just move on and pretend that it didn't happen. Or, we might justify our behavior, claiming that they deserved what they got. But this tends to weaken (and could eventually destroy) our family relationships.

On the other hand, when we admit our mistakes and make amends with those we have wounded, our family relationships are strengthened. Not only that, but when at least one family member starts practicing these principles, others are likely to follow suit, as they are convicted by the Holy Spirit. This can change the whole dynamics of the family -- for the better.

Making amends is always hard, but the resultant peace in our home is well worth the pain. And whenever we make a decided effort to do as we are led by the Holy Spirit, God adds His blessing and assistance to make it all possible. Without Him, we can do nothing good (John 15:5), but with Him, we can do all things! (Philippians 4:13). For us, this is "impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible." (Mark 10:27).

"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." (Step 9)

"We who are strong must be considerate of those who are sensitive... We must not just please ourselves. We should help others do what is right and build them up in the Lord. For even Christ didn’t live to please himself. As the Scriptures say, 'The insults of those who insult you, O God, have fallen on me.'" (Romans 15:1-3)

Nearly as important as our relationship with God, is the establishment of balanced interpersonal relationships. Extending forgiveness to those who have harmed us, leading to the making of amends (when appropriate) is important in bringing a satisfying balance to our relationships.

Possibly the greatest barrier to the making of amends is our pride. I know it's hard, but when you (and I) "Humble yourselves before the Lord", then "He will lift you up in honor" (James 4:10). When, in our humility, God lifts us up, it becomes possible for us to begin to edify others by forgiving their sins against us and become willing to make amends where we have offended...

My experience in the making of amends is that it is often a great bridge building process, bringing greater balance and satisfaction to my healthy relationships.

"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." (Step 9)