Sid's Recovery

"Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us," (Heb 12:1)

I've been thinking about why it is that I need to make a "searching and fearless moral inventory" of myself. And what is it that I hope to accomplish by doing this?

If I really believe and am practicing the first three steps, then it seems that I need to do what I can (no matter how little that may be) to understand and deal with those things that are preventing God (my Higher Power) from restoring me to sanity (Step 2). The Bible tells us that it is sin that separates us from God (Isaiah 59:2). But what is sin? It seems to me that there is only one definition of sin in the Bible. Here it is: "Whosoever committeth sin transgresseth also the law: for sin is the transgression of the law." (1 John 3:4).

Therefore, as part of my moral inventory, I need to confess all my known sins. By so doing, God restores that union between me and Him (1 John 1:9). I also need to consider what my besetting sins (Heb 12:1) are -- those things that regularly cause me to fall to temptation. I need to understand these things so that I can continue in this recovery process -- so that I can cooperate with God as He works to change me to be more like Him.

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." (Step 4)

"We won’t dare to place ourselves in the same league or to compare ourselves with some of those who are promoting themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves, and compare themselves with themselves, they have no understanding." (2 Corinthians 10:12)

Rather than making a difficult inventory of my own moral condition (introspection), it is much easier to make an extrospective (examining what is outside yourself) inventory of my environment and/or of other people. I would much rather compare myself with you than to look inside to compare myself with Jesus, and His direction in my life. But, when I choose extrospection, I lose a wonderful opportunity for emotional and spiritual well-being.

Introspection is often painful because of the mess we are likely to find in ourselves. Most are unwilling to take this step, finding it much too depressing to even consider. I would like to suggest that this commonly held view is due to our lack of trust and lack of understanding.

If I don't believe that God will help me overcome those sins which so easily beset me (Hebrews 12:1), then introspection could lead me into deep depression. Conversely, if I have total confidence that God is willing, able, and desiring to give me peace and to make me whole, then introspection becomes a privilege! It becomes a tool to help me understand why I am the way I am. It helps me to know what to pray for. It helps me to know what sort of situations and/or people to avoid. It helps me to understand the direction my life needs to take. And the list of benefits goes on and on...

The good news is that no matter how ugly the results of introspection, it is still true that "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." (Philippians 4:13) And, it is still true that Christ will never leave me, nor forsake me :-) (Hebrews 13:5).

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." (Step 4)

As I read, once again, the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32), the phrase "when he came to himself" (Luke 15:17) seemed to pop out at me, in the context of introspection. As a result of his riotous living, this young man was in dire straits, not even knowing where his next meal would come from. It wasn't until he hit "bottom" that "he came to himself", taking "a searching and fearless moral inventory" of his life.

I wonder why it is that we often wait until disaster strikes before we finally take a deep, introspective look at our lives. For me, I think it was fear -- fear of how hard it might be to see the truth -- fear of the consequences of confession. As my recovery began in 1994, like the prodigal son, It wasn't until things got really bad that I began to take an honest inventory of my sinful life. I wish now that I had taken this step much sooner. Today, it's a daily process for me, because I don't ever want to go back to where I was.

The good news is that, just like the prodigal son, I always find the compassion, love and forgiveness of the Father, when I confess. More about confession...

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." (Step 4)

Some may call it "Navel Gazing", but Solomon said it this way, "Let us search and try our ways, and turn again to Jehovah." (Lamentations 3:40).

"If you do not change your direction,
you will end up where you are headed.
Have you considered where you are
headed lately?" -anonymous

I remember that sunny day in June of 1994, almost like it was yesterday. It was just the evening before that I had for the first time given my will over to God in the moment of one of my worst temptations. As I look back at that event now, I see it as the beginning of my recovery from 25 years of sexual addiction. You may think that I should have been joyous about this wonderful victory in Christ. In a way, I was. But, now that I was beginning to understand how to end my life-long destructive habits (by co-operating with God -- Step 3), God began to show me just how sick I really was. Memories of my past behaviors came flooding into my thoughts.

At that time, I wasn't at all familiar with the the 12 steps. But as I look back at that experience now, I can clearly see that God was leading me into the 4th step on that day. The weight of my sins was so great that I don't think I could have been able to stand it if I had no hope of a better life for the future. But because of the victory of the previous day, I knew that "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." (Philippians 4:13). It was on that same day that I began to be convicted about confession, repentance, and amends, even though I had no idea that those too were part of the 12 steps.

Prior to recovery, I used to think that I was OK. I felt that it was everyone else who caused all my problems. But today, I believe that at least 90% of my troubles are caused by my own bad choices. I used to think that, as I grew spiritually, there should be fewer of my own issues that I needed to deal with. But as I started into recovery I began to understand this principle a little better: "The closer you come to Jesus, the more faulty you will appear in your own eyes." (Steps to Christ, p. 64).

Even now, after many years of recovery, I have to ask myself often, "Am I seeing my faults? How proud am I of my spiritual growth? Am I drifting away from Jesus?" When I stop to think about it, I have to admit that I am still a sinner in need of a Savior (1John 1:8). Oh it's true that, by the power of God in my life, I no longer "act out" in my major addiction and I no longer entertain the thoughts that brought me into that addiction. But that doesn't mean that I'm not still a sinner (1John 1:10). No, I still must take the time to consider where my life is spiritually. As I become more aware of my faults, I become able, by the power of God, to deal with them (Philippians 4:13).

Don't be afraid to take a "searching and fearless moral inventory" of yourself, because God will give you strength to bare it, and He WILL provide ways to help you to deal with your issues. He longs to give you a life of victory over those sins that so easily beset you (Hebrews 12:1). So, pray the prayer of the Pslamist when he said, "Hide not thy face from me; Put not thy servant away in anger: Thou hast been my help; Cast me not off, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation." (Psalms 27:9) and believe that He will never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). Will you let Him work in your life today?

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." (Step 4)

"The light of the body is the eye: therefore when thine eye is single, thy whole body also is full of light; but when thine eye is evil, thy body also is full of darkness." (Luke 11:34)

God invites us to take inventory of both the "light" and the "darkness" of our innermost being. "Take heed therefore that the light which is in thee be not darkness." (Luke 11:35).

When God led me to introspection for the first time, it was really scary because I found mostly darkness, with very little light. Had I not already experienced victory through third-step surrender, it would have devastated me. But as it was, I had hope. I knew that God could bring light into my life -- with my cooperation -- and that gave me the courage to acknowledge the darkest parts of my inner-being. As a result, God began the process of replacing that darkness with light.

"If thy whole body therefore be full of light, having no part dark, the whole shall be full of light, as when the bright shining of a candle doth give thee light." (Luke 11:36). This is my hope and my goal. I must admit that not all is light in my soul, but God is faithful and continues bring more and more light into my life (dispelling the darkness), as I continue to be willing to trust and obey.

PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW!

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." (Step 4)